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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in
Gentle Panther's InsaneJournal:
| Sunday, August 16th, 2009 | |
| 5:45 am | Just a rant. Pay it no mind I feel too much. And a lot of times I say nothing at all. I can come off moody or broody but only because what is happening inside is so sharp its like I've swallowed glass. Sometimes I just sit and watch people walk by with my face of stone not letting them see the cut peices. It comforts me. Hiding, especially hiding what I really feel, is something I've gotten far too used to. If I haven't known you at least a year you wont understand me. You glance along the surface and you think you know me, but you don't. People who've known me for five years are still missing connections on the train track of my mind. If I love you I'll try to put the peices together long enough for you to see. But I'm afraid you see. Every person you let in is a danger, a liability, a risk. I never know who to trust. I go by loyalty alone which is never as constant as you think. If you think you know me look a little closer. If you know you love me ask what it is that you know you don't see. If you want to be near me show me you're trustworthy. I love you Amy, Loriann, Mel, Rin, Stacey, Erica and even Kyle. Some of you know me better than others, but you should know that I've lied to. Every last one of you at one time or another to save myself. And I don't know what is worse that I lie or that I feel I have to, I feel I have to hide these parts of me I'm afraid will drive you away. Because I always feel there's something sick inside of me that you can't see. I let you see what I want you to see. Sometimes I think that a half truth is the worst lie and yet I tell it all the time. I love you all completely. You have all my strength and loyalty. My friend Amy once told me that I 'have a beautiful heart, an ability to see someone for who they are worts and all and love them anyway.' Just once I wish I could have that, someone to love me the way I love them. And yet I don't let you. For that I'm sorry. This is just something I needed to get off my chest. Don't worry. Its not hurting. Its healing... or so I like to tell myself. |
| Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | |
| 6:18 pm | Pairing: Faith and Willow Rating: PG13 "Faith," the redhead queried incredulously. "Hey ya, Red," the slayer replied. "What's shakin'?" "What are you doing here," the confused and grateful witch asked. Switching the bloody knife to her other hand, Faith hoisted Willow to her feet. "Giles sent me. Thought you might need back up." The slayer slid the flat of the blade against her jeans to bring back the shine. From the corner of her eye she noticed the redhead wincing. A spare finger rose in gesture towards the other girl's shoulder. "Did he get ya?" ( Reunion ) |
| Monday, May 11th, 2009 | |
| 5:18 pm | Mists of Fillow Chapter One Pairing: Faith and Willow Rating: PG13 (for now) Willow floated weightless, actually bodyless, between fog and ocean. Her spirit flew with purpose toward an unknown destination. It pulled at her, called to her beckoning her ... home? A melodic voice echoed through her mind. "Your world spirals toward oblivion. Time and again you have helped stem this tide little witch, but you have touched true power. The ability to change all this lies in you grasp. To restore balance you must bring hope back to your world. All that is great and powerful, mystical and immortal has passed into the ether the the Isle of Myst, the lands to the West. You will find all you seek and more when you step upon it's shores." ( Beyond the mist ) *More to come... *Feedback feeds the pen so let me know what you think. |
| Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 | |
| 4:51 pm | Teh Rant o Doom Okay, I said I was going to do this days ago but I'm not going to give myself shit about it. There are a few things I need to track, be able to look back on and date for my own mental and physical health. I recently had a hard swoop of depression hit me. I've been screwing up at work-doing simple things wrong, flat out forgetting to do others. When I forgot to take the deposit to the bank I knew I had to do something about my memory issues. I was getting deeper and deeper into depression from feeling like my life was out of control. I felt like I was losing my mind bit by bit and terrified of just spiraling off to non functional land. I take great pride in being a responsible, considerate young adult. And when I keep forgetting shit both of those things are vastly impacted. I screwed up at work and I hurt the feelings of someone precious to me. So I cried my eyes out and realized I was in a deeply depressive state. I went to teh Amy for she is wise, all knowing and loves me to peices. She comforted and advised me. And the next day I went to see the doctor and just tossed the depression into the mix of problems. So now I've gotten Ginko Biloba (which appears to be working) and I'm on Flexeril, Trazadone, Wellbutrin, Lyrica and Ambien -sarcastic thumbs up- My bedside looks like a freaking pharmacy. That alone is a little unnerving. I know it sounds weird, but my parents had this survivalist mentality and I was raised with that. I look at all those bottles and think Wow, if the world fell down tomorrow I'd be really fucked. I would be non functional And that idea scares the crap outta me. I know it's a little irrational, but it's there. I began using the Wellbutrin (depression meds) Weds or Thurs. It seems to be working. I hardly touch the Ambien because I'm a little afraid of the side effects. It didn't even help last night. I took a full muscle relaxer instead of half, Trazadone (mild anti depressant and sleep aid) and the Ambien and still couldn't sleep for almost an hour. I just stared at the ceiling wanting to cuss. Now the reason I used so much is because I desperately needed to fall into a small coma. You see a customer thought it would be funny to yell a smart ass comment at me as I was getting down off this little step stool. Which of course made me jump and miss a step. So my entire body weight lands quick and wobbly on my bad leg. The knee shifts from side to side, bones grinding against each other. And I just fell back. I think I passed out a little. The customer felt like an ass and helped me up apologizing profusely. But with fibromyalgia the damage was done. Not to mention I cracked my head. My knee began swelling almost immediately. I sat out the rest of my shift in a padded office chair and even that hurt me. I leaned back in the chair to take pressure off my legs and could feel the folds of my shirt digging into me like knives. So yeah, I went over to Amy's. That and she needed cheering up. Wherever the Amy needs rescuing teh Debi is there. Yes, I know I have a white knight syndrome. I've worked hard not to be intrussive because of it. Learned the hard way not everyone wants saving. Oh and after all that I slept a sum total of 6 hours. WTF?!!!! I took enough shit to tranquilize a pony! Rawr! After resting most of the day, icing it with cold pack, warming it under blankets, keeping it elevated I still can't bend it 90 degrees, maybe 75 -shakes fist in frustration- I just HATE not being a fully functional human being. It makes me feel like shit! Current Mood:  aggravated |
| Sunday, February 17th, 2008 | |
| 6:43 pm |  Take the Quiz Wooohooo!!!!! Hey, I was thinkin' Eliza, but I'd marry Kate in a heartbeat :)!!!!!! Edit: When I posted this Tweak says, "Mind if I borrow your date?" ROFLMFAO I love that guy ! :) |